gOdEsSoFnIrVaNa

pondering

2012-01-17T22:24:00.000+05:30

habits are just another form of addiction.
isn't it?

stupid love

2011-12-30T11:16:00.003+05:30

of loving somebody to eternity and being misunderstood

can be one of the greatest regrets and a flawed aspect of human life

like a vicious cycle, like karmas

like echoes, like gravity

like a weather of feelings

it consumes our lives and yet it is only a little parenthesis in eternity

eternity is fictitious

just like everything else in it is.

that could be the only rationale

and an understanding

a visible cover for a defeated soul
perhaps a misunderstood one

miss wallflower

2011-08-22T14:25:00.002+05:30

it's the loneliest feeling in the world- to find yourself standing up when everyone else is sitting down. To have everybody look at you and say "whats the matter with her?". I know what it feels like. Walking down an empty street,listening to the sound of your own footsteps. Shutters closed,blinds drawn,doors locked against you.And you aren't sure whether you're walking towards something,or if you are just walking away.

contemplation

2011-06-19T18:33:00.000+05:30

she realises that she is so sensitive to her emotions that her sadness turns into happiness and happiness into sadness too quick,too many times.

and now there's nothing left.
no flesh on bones, no soul,
no mind, no love
and not even her own reflection.

Oh April !

2011-04-17T09:51:00.002+05:30

'April is the cruelest month,
breeding lilacs out of the dead land,
mixing memory and desire,
stirring dull roots with spring rain'

Couldn't have agreed to more,
especially when reading these T.S. Eliot's words
itself is such a reminiscence.

may be

2010-11-27T23:04:00.003+05:30

i love you little less now; kind of
atleast thats what i think
ironically it is impossibly to hate you
no matter what you are doing to me
but i will never forget you
not because of what you were to me
but for what i was to you.

like an immovable memory
a memorabilia of craziness
rusted with crazy emptiness

eclipsed

2010-11-25T03:36:00.004+05:30

last night the moon was at it's fullest, and so was she
yesterday is just synonym to 'remains'
and what remains today are
mere shadows
the secretly hidden moon
behind the rainy clouds

the fallen glasses, ones raised high in toast,
the stubbed joints, the vanishing red bohemia,
sound of those bangles, the smudged kohl,
like the laughter smudged with sadness,
wherever it touched anything, it wept in silence
this unrequited wait
the untouched warmth
this shivering hope in cold autumns,
such an eclipse of love

as if the full moon itself is
nothing but a shadow
that walks with you while hiding behind your back
to eternity
every moment is an illusion
each reality unforgivable

4:30 am

2010-10-24T00:12:00.002+05:30

she says
"only if the love was so conditional, i would have given up on it long time back!"

clicked

2010-07-22T01:56:00.013+05:30

this is what you end up doing, if you are a solo traveller :) i clicked this pic on my 1st day in istanbul roaming around in galatasaray- which is on european side, finding my way to the photo exhibition, organised by greenpeace.

my favourite place in turkiye so far, cappadocia. beautiful, mesmerising, +2500 people in the village of goreme where i stayed. this was on my last day in cappadocia while en route on a bike trail in the village called urugup. it was cloudy, rainy, cold and mystic.

this is one of my sweet memories from fethiye and saklient down south in turkey. gozmele- made of fine flour, with spinach and cheese inside, baked on a pan in olive oil.

amidst the hot water springs, cleopatra's antique pool to dip in this is the city of hierapolis. very different from the limestone pools you pass through to reach here and this takes you to a different exploration level. less than a population of 20,000 people this place has way much more to sink in.

finally i met the godess of medussa at selcuk city :) having an alias of medussa since over a decade now it was indeed a pleasant connection!!

my last day back in istanbul and the last pic. sweet memory. a rainy one.

teşekkür ederim
really.

who do you need?

2010-07-21T23:26:00.006+05:30

to the four seas and am back,
i started to write and after
contemplating i stopped myself
involuntary
i realise how it is not only
impossible to write about
my experience in turkey but also
the best of the words may just fall flat
to what it really is
it was all just a dream, just a dream

such a beautiful place and even more
beautiful people

back home and the reality still doesn't hit in
i felt as if i found my connection there
and i am much calmer now, may be because
i left my emotions there
am lost in that world where they call our nation
as hindustan
am almost in desperate need to eat gozmele
but it is not only about these
small little precious things
am craving for a free mind and strength
to free this soul
am under this mystic illusion
where i only witness confusion with the reality
and this universe, which keeps reminding me of its existence
i feel this strong urge to be supreme
at a place where mind and soul meets
where nothing else is meaningful
or relevant and there is no hurt
or a sense of irritation
where i don't demand people
and do away with things
it is pure
it is self
the only, the one

and that power of supreme
is my only need right now

fullstop

a minor melody

2010-06-05T01:28:00.009+05:30

she felt the urge to write again
its been so long though, she thinks
that she has lost touch
with writing
with word play
with her own thoughts
these daily chores
the work
people around
the changing weathers
everything puts her off easily these days,
just anything
the only place to her rescue
is her own home
not even those friends whom she thought once
would help her escape this pain
realising soon that she had already
filled her bucket of gratitude
for them. in more than just one way
the only sanity that can be granted
now is by being insane
it knows, yet it wanders
it wants to be cold, yet it misses the warmth
it’s a very simple math, but
it’s the paradox of emotions she gets stuck in
there are no greys, no whites either
it's this perpetual state of mind
which makes everything around a mere illusion now
she feels terribly disappointment
with her self

not for anything else, but
for losing touch with herself

months passed by...

2010-05-06T01:58:00.003+05:30

and not an inch of word to this blog?
true.
it has been one helluva ride
for me

and now i am back!
this time,
only colder

the unwanted co-incidence

2010-01-22T20:51:00.001+05:30

Phantom legs and Blinking Pigs
Haunting me
My long lost love
and the memories of
You

These nights are haunting
I don't want to run I don't want to leave
Now that your standing closer
I don't want to Run don't want to leave

Was a distant moan
and a smell of home
Haunting me
from the clouds above
oh the memory of
you

Thou these nights are haunting me
I don't want to run I don't want to leave
Now that your standing closer
I don't want to run I don't want to leave

- Little Dragon: Blinking Pigs

silent hurt

2010-01-22T20:38:00.001+05:30

i must stop smoking j's
they make me miss you more

until now

2009-12-05T16:18:00.007+05:30

i was on the run,
now am on the move
and lemme tell you
the transition
is not an easy one

i guess that also explains
my long absence from here.

its like opening a wine bottle
if you have never used a wine opener before,
there's a high probability that
you would end up breaking the cork inside
what a pity! and what a mood switch!

for some reasons i never liked wearing shoes
i always like slipping my feet into those chappals
and taking them off at my convenience, anywhere
in the auto rickshaws, at work, someone's home
or even while dining, wherever that is
but little did i know that a pair of light & good shoes
can actually do wonders, its magical
once you step into those,
you get stuck to those forever
NO, i still don't wear shoes though!!

the tee that i wore day before had a mix smell of
ralph lauren's romance (my favorite, i can tell you that much)
and naphthalene balls used in the cupboard.
i cleared 'em all today, the naphthalene balls
though it didn't trouble me that much.

i never really missed internet at home
all of last two months
moving to a new place is a pain
but it ends up surprising you in many ways
when you continue to live smoothly
without those zillion things
you were used to before,
only to realise what an unnecessary
importance they had in our lives
and how convenient
still life is, without zillion of 'em!

living independently for over 9 years
and being lucky to get a super flatmate by chance
who turned out to be my soul mate, an amazing
travel mate and an agony aunt too
is the sheer luck that doesn't happen again
sheer luck is one time, so true.

reading one of oscar wilde's witty statements
on never to trust a woman who wears mauve
can only be a precise co-incidence in my life
when i just did buy those mauve heels!

putting the right things in that order,
cooking a meal, cleaning the room
and trying to fix that lamp
with a cigarette in hand
makes you feel completely home,
like i feel today,
after these 2 months

may be the working internet connection
has to do something with it
or may be to be able to write here at peace
while i DO have the internet connection now, has done the charm!

whatever it is, it works.
lets smoke some,
smoke and then roll some!

giggles

2009-10-21T16:04:00.002+05:30

you are sucha temptress!

i know what i have,
and i know what you want
i know what to give, and
i know what not to take too!

bird's view

2009-10-07T19:01:00.008+05:30

couple of visits to this blog, my own
few thoughts; to pen down
many moments; to capture
oodles of conversation; to make
enigmatic progressions; to say and unsay
the number of posts thereafter, zilch!

i’ve been listening to lots of nirvana,
big yellow taxi, the doors and that familiar yellow
with my indulgence in groove armada
watching F#, Asus4, G#m
marveling at those chord diagrams
tablature, riff (s) I even wonder
will I atleast try to play if I cut my slender long nails?

as he explains,
surprisingly goa acted like mahabaleshwar
but we graduated to a Californian experience
genie with a J
purple purple hiding prince of Persia
there was no sun but we had our bit of sunshine
i can tell you that much.

it’s been the month of moving places
we call them ‘home’
it’s been the days of staring at full moon and
the sanity leveling with it's contrary
it’s been the moments of dealing
with an Atom and Item and being an either of two.

it’s the world with
birds of paradise
and the meals I don’t like to miss out on
endless kisses fill me enough to know
how we all are like those fancy empty vases
that always-always look empty and
incomplete without these fresh orange lilies
clubbed with white orchids peeping out.

if you are my centre of attraction,
let it not worry me
if I want to climb a cliff and
scream at those skies with glee
let me be
let's sing even a hymn if I forget the lyrics
of your favorite song
let’s dance with baba-roach
and jive even while listening to blues
if you like being fed,
we must try having five meals a day
let’s run and run away
where the world is as oblivion to us
as we are, to them
let’s dream and dream again
let's play and pay a tribute to marley
And sing, sing that redemption song again.

don’t you know
i am enchanted, smitten
blown, intrigued, vulnerable
and what the fuck, how!

let's order for that
bohemian chenin blanc again.
and say, and say
salut!

catch-22

2009-07-24T03:33:00.002+05:30

it's not very ironic
how infrequent my posts
have become
it’s the rain effect
i promise
it was also the charm
of non acknowledgments
unsaid and understood
loop of hours
a day passed, a day lived
rational to emotional
journey of the imbalance
and then a stable destination
yes, some things never change
the missing part too.

giselli and marcos

2009-07-13T00:31:00.008+05:30

the black coffee,
chocolate bregaderio,
the conversations,
the stories of Sao Paulo,
the second floor,
the sad despedida,
the guardians
of our nootro.

i can't thank you enough,
for being a family
to us :)

it's been 16 days

2009-07-07T01:51:00.006+05:30

drop.work.pick.
clean.feed.un-sleep.

with a 41 days old nootro
that's how my days are.

nootropic

2009-06-24T01:45:00.004+05:30

he is at my place tonight.

at peace, finally!

i miss

2009-06-23T00:49:00.003+05:30

your 'cross'
on you,
and you
very very.

krypto

2009-06-22T01:04:00.005+05:30

krypto, the little devil is much better now. not as ill as when she was 20 days old, size of a mouse staring at my face with her crystal green eyes. we found her next to my office building, sitting on a big white chair that surrounded her like a background color.
it's been 5 days from then and now she hops on the road like a rockstar playing her hide n seek tricks on us. am relieved :)

saturday special

2009-06-21T04:09:00.009+05:30

go, go make out
why make out? why not play pictionary?
make out because that’s what you do when high, especially on a Saturday.
that’s what you think I do just because,perhaps you do.
but why don’t you?
i know better things to do.
ah.better things.
oh you may know not them.
such as?
you’ll meet them soon. Hopefully. One day.
meet whom?
those better things
are you going to make me meet them?
i may. Be nicer to me.
what should do i to you?
it’s a challenge you fight alone.
oho!challenge and all, id rather bite.
that’s tougher
why?
you try, you’ll know
try what?
u must know this.
may be i do.
show me an evidence
of?
u know what you must know and do
bite
u are stuck in middle then
help then
no you earn some and then do some, and have it all.
ah. do you have it all?
thats what you’ll know and get only when you try
alright
so do we have an understanding now?
yeah
I expected as much.

i have lost the track of place

2009-06-19T02:24:00.005+05:30

look at those tall buildings
in the background
hah hah! we look like tourists!
no i think this looks like
larger than life.

i want a raspberry roll,
i meant a chicken roll from raspberry.

everyone sitting here is lazy
and lying on this floor
those dogs; and you

oh my god!
that guy is playing with his hair
one who is lying in his lap
what? giggles.

i like when there is movement
i like the skies that are still
i meant the breeze
i meant the still skies
they are so calm and soothing

have some mercy on me
get me some food from there

how reluctantly he ate that cheese
when earlier he had jumped at that chicken
yes, the same doggie that ‘’shake hands’’

green t-shirt with greenish background
white with whitish yellow,
the dark shadows on the lit background
i love
the pictures without flash

its 1:10
the last I remember seeing
was 10:30

thanks,
you all were very kind!

so..

2009-06-16T01:10:00.003+05:30

it's been long since I
wrote last, or wrote anything
it's been a month, almost
you can trust me when I tell you
i wanted and needed to write, and how
but all I had was
unlimited thoughts and
no words attached, with
no explanation surrendered,
i wanted to tell you about the pictionary
and that arachnophobia, I enacted later
i wanted to tell you about the night of jazz
and the monday blues at work
shades of sheridans, a blue margarita
must i tell you i watched 'angels and demons'
and have been dreaming of Florence city since then.
no, not Vatican. Phew! Okay that too.
it is strange how everyone is saying
about those disappeared ounces
and am loving it.
will you mock at me if I tell you
that I still miss the orange tree
and those lazy weekend samosas?
i'll be little hush-hush about
the stories of Belgium and Italy though
and that new candle pack
but I can talk about
the dining places,and the bench here
witness of those endless jabber
with her
i watched ‘once’, again
falling slowly
so much has passed
but the rest still remains still
unwashed, untouched,stirred
like the scattered beads
was; and the is.
did i say too much in
too little?
i told you i needed to write
and how!

imperfectly perfect

2009-05-21T01:06:00.003+05:30

hot feet
cold feet
blown mind
stoned eyes
lazy lunch
quick dessert
unwanted somersault
ignored hammock
set communiqué
slowest cuba
bonafide del mar
drunk fisherman
dozy church songs
touchy toast
purple beads
stalking lightning
imbalanced Neha
hilarious funeral
swaying Tanaya
lost and found Rachel
stony smiled Amanda
glov-ism Jo
thin iced meeting
unsettling warmth
sleepless night
early flight

to everything that's Goa!

sometimes..

2009-05-07T00:59:00.007+05:30

sometimes you don't even care
if you want to see them again
sometimes they surprise you enough
to touch your heart instantly
and sometimes you'd wish only if
you got to say an appropriate goodbye to them, atleast
that sometime was not so good.

the orange tree

2009-05-04T02:35:00.009+05:30

the quarter moon,
with the stars, unusually bright
the horizontal lined shadows
made by the couch she sat on
fell on her bare legs
a cigarette in between her fingers
with her right arm resting on it’s edge
she stared at that orange tree
immensely fascinated

she could sit and stare at it
for hours, waiting for him
that clustered shades of orange
made her lively
and somehow
she missed him there
as the time crawled
it was an hour before he
walked in again
and carefully sat at the other
end of the couch
she was still lost in that orange tree
the colors in the dim moonlight
which she could only imagine now
he talked less
and perhaps,
she didn’t care much now
she sat there
for a longer time than her patience
permitted
silence combined with the serene
surroundings
distracted her
right then
he made a move
with his fingers
provoking the art he is best at,
the sound of music
that every touch of his finger
made
playing with the lower chords,
the strings stretched
graduating to the upper chords
in an unplanned mix
with a smooth surrender
trapped her attention
she was lost in the rhythm,
not in that orange tree anymore
she watched the smallest movement
his fingers made
the links he chained
to the tune of his unique style
the passion with which he
would retry
if it didn’t sound right
followed by the song she
dint know she would
fall in love with
the connection and the bonding
was stronger than she realized
his silhouette with the guitar
a small glass on his left, filled
and untouched till he finished
enticed her more than the starry night
unresistingly
she asked him to lean forward
and kissed him softly

more than the orange tree
under those unusually bright stars
she misses his silhouette
the filled glass on his left
next to her bare legs
and the music he touched
her heart with..

napowrimo #4 and the carte blanche is nada..

2009-04-29T22:15:00.012+05:30

random thoughts
and observations
fill my head these days

it's exactly 7 subtle
steps of distance
from one gate to another
place where I smoke at work
(i counted thrice to ensure!!)

it surprises me how Vikas,
our pantry caretaker at work
never ever falters the number of
exact coffees he has to brew;
as he must remember them
who prefer
coffee to tea

how lovely the
Michael & candy’s song
by Ben is
how rhythmic
the sound of those waves
in the background are,
flirting with the sea creating
their own masterpiece

how perfect
these colors flirt
with the perspective
of the photographer
and blends to make
these pictures
communicate with you

how someone’s kindness,
lately; effortlessly
touched my heart
and how someone's demeanor
shook me inside out
that I lost my balance
leaving me to strive
and carefully
pick those remains
to move on

how beautifully
“tendacias’’ is woven
and shot, that
it touches your heart
in a childish way,
unveiled by an amused smile

and i wonder,
how the domino impacto
of those ecstatic moments
never really happens
in our lives, even though
we have carte blanche
to mould
the choices chosen,
and the life
we desire to live,
the preciseness of
everything which
we strive and endeavor
to reach perfection,
carte blance at times
is nothing but
nada..

napowrimo#3 renegade of memories

2009-04-28T01:36:00.003+05:30

she remembers those days when
he would not go to work

‘i am lazy’, he would whisper
with his lazy eyes fluttering
and that familiar sheepish half smile
she would give a try and
think of an excuse, to not to go
locked in those moments
would surrender her arms
and the time would stand still;
muttering for few minutes
she would finally hurry up,
‘it’s late again’, and the laughter
between them
with those intermittent kisses
would continue
she would hurriedly ask him
to choose a color
for her to dress in
she would frantically look for it
‘its getting really late now’,
she would mumble again
at last she would give up,
and storm out
storm in, and frantically hunt again
yes! ‘This one’,
she would quickly slip into it
standing there, secretly she would
wish for a compliment
followed by the stares, he would say
‘you look very nice’, she would smile
a sweet surrender of those fragile
and rushed arms
hasty kisses, again
and the twinkling smile
with her hands waving, she would scream
‘I’ll be back soon’

she remembers those days and
moments, and he
the warmth of her, perhaps.

only a person who risks is free

2009-04-27T16:49:00.001+05:30

to laugh is to appear the fool,
to weep is to appear sentimental,
to reach out to another is to risk involvement,
to expose feeling is to risk exposing your true self,
to place your ideas, your dreams in front of a crowd is to risk their loss,
to love is to risk not being loved in return,
to live is to risk dying,
to hope is to risk despair,
to try is to risk failure,
but risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
the person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.
he may avoid suffering and sorrow,
but cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, and live.
chained by his certitudes, he is a slave.
he has forfeited his freedom,
only a person who risks is free.

*thanks Ebikomaru!

www.candyrat.com

2009-04-27T02:51:00.006+05:30

did you hear?

2009-04-26T18:27:00.004+05:30

Alice in Chains launching new album after 14 years.
http://tinyurl.com/dkww82

i have stopped enjoying eating samosas,
my favourite though !

and my molar tooth broke!
dr.kamath, i hope i am able to visit you
this week. sigh..

napowrimo#2 word salad of Mumbai

2009-04-18T17:49:00.008+05:30

Mumbai..
while the name itself dreaded me years back
i had taken an unsaid understood plunge never to move here.
it was like a smooth surrender courtesy- my apprehensions.
it’s been precisely 14 months since
i call this city my home.
the buzz on carter road is not over rated afterall.
it has its own charm. And so i conclude.
i will always owe this to Thomas (my broker) and Flory (my owner) in many ways besides the obvious.
the water fiasco in this compact house (which I call home now) was far from amusing and I could only end up mumbling to myself –
Welcome to Mumbai!
it reconfirmed my belief on how strong the force of misfortune could be,
there’s always a way out,
you just have to fight and run, run, run against the odds and conquer.
it ain't easy. And once you have overcome it,
its an experience only you could pay a tribute to. Independence touches its vantage point.
many familiar people came, stayed over and left the city;
beaten by the hardships of long travel, expensive food, the quality of life that doesn’t come cheap here.
digital media opened new doors making me realize
there’s much more than the mere beyond.
the people around, the chai schedules at work, colleagues, the creative lingo and earning enough not to save a dime;
then there are alfa romeos and series of bmw that keeps swooshing away
leaving me wondering if ever I’ll be able to afford a chauffer driven Lamborghini on my own in this mumbaia nagariya.
the match box sized house (as one of my dear friend rightly coined it), the stoned nights, and then the futile attempts of trying to do something else ended before it even began.
Yes, street jazz for instance!!
Blue frog to zenzi, poison to china house, and then gokuls to dragonfly.
musicians, entrepreneurs, crazy weird hair dos, over grown next generation, attitude to life, tattoos, joints, hash, honk honk,
oops!O so far churchgate!, black diamond aka jase’s club, CCD and blah blah
while I fell in love with the city instantly (to my surprise),
it has reached a threshold now where it has boiled down to mere monotony of variety.
i have savored what I could.
there’s so much to learn and know and yet
there’s enough I know to survive.
there’s so much of zeal to unlearn and evolve and yet
there are too many multiple optioned doors opened with the choices not so earned.
there’s never any time here and never those people around.
there’s always a distance and everything carries a pricetag, almost.
the city keeps you on toes to the extent that it has become hard for me to recall a good soothing simple life which has become a long forlorn luxury now.
not that am complaining, it’s just stated facts,
one and half side of coin perhaps, indubitable and for no body’s opinion.

It’s time now.
Camera, light, action
And yeah Move!

napowrimo#1 missing something

2009-04-18T03:58:00.005+05:30

the broken beads, the denims,
the tees, unwashed still
and the zippo that they used
the chair, a sign of him,
where he always sat

its ironic how
nothing has moved
but for you
she admits, and knows
something is missing

his shoes next to the door
and her soul
she concludes.

random irony

2009-04-18T03:28:00.002+05:30

its ironic how chains
of freedom
differs from man to man
it doesnt only hold true
in the variety that amsterdam
offers, so different from
riyadh, its ironic
how the fragmentation
of people on
a single piece of land
widely spreads across the horizon
amalgamation of cultures,
the perspectives, the thoughts
their say and when they do
even the diplomacy
the irony is that its not
only ironic
its sucha pity. disappointing.

chaotic silence

2009-03-31T01:57:00.003+05:30

nothing else has moved
though all my senses are deranged
everything else is where it always has been
nothing is same no more
i hope to see you soon, again
only if soon wasn't this indefinite
the smell of smoke and you surround me
it isn't only the other side of bed after all
the shoes are missing and the ashtrays
untempered
with the stubbed joints in it still
you still got the last tea i made
and the empty tea cups haven't shifted either
nothing else has moved, but for you and me.

Zest Pest

2009-03-31T01:51:00.005+05:30

Aln E is a dick
Aln E makes me sick
Aln E is full of ick
Aln E is a prick
Aln E is a ho bag trick

Aln E is a c**t
Aln E is uncouth
Aln E fucks phone booths
Aln E lacks a tooth

Aln E is a bitch
Aln E makes you itch
Aln E is a witch
Aln E should jump in a ditch

Aln E is a fuck
Aln E looks like a duck
Aln E blows and sucks
Aln E is just too yuck

p.s the name of target has been modified to keep his identity sacred.

- By a colleague and my dear friend during one of our client con-call.

uncluttered clutter

2009-03-15T04:47:00.003+05:30

ironed clothes
but the mess to find those
oodles of food
while you've just lost your appetite
this relaxed weekend
yet so deprived of leisure to smoke ''em all
bundles of comfort
amidst the compromise on your space
the hurry to rush home
whilst others made big plans for you
i so love going crazy
when my folks are here!

imperfect picture perfect

2009-01-17T13:44:00.004+05:30

amidst these extremes of
mixed emotions
while
i try to breathe
‘it’s simpler this way’
still rings in my ears
i like it to be picture perfect,
you said
it always been perfect this way, i admitted
it was the imperfection you paid attention to
it was being with you, i adored
strongly uttering those words
of simplicity
you dealt with it, and declared
fairly leaving me with my share
of these enormous complexities
of trying to be perfectly strong
and have you go.
your picture perfect had issues
the issue was,
mine never had any.

confession

2009-01-13T01:50:00.003+05:30

i wud have sinned gluttony
for your love,
only if i had you.

and i wonder how

2008-12-27T02:15:00.001+05:30

nothing and
almost everything
touches my heart these days
at times, in a nicer way
most of the times,
it’s just crude

kerela

2008-12-15T02:20:00.004+05:30

it was touch and fly
with that bluer sky
fish currry and prawns fry
us, so high
the traditions so bright
the moonlight and the river
the moments so right
leaves me with this desire
only to go back.

cold

2008-11-30T02:30:00.001+05:30

it's peace
again

connexion

2008-11-17T01:11:00.003+05:30

sometimes,a laptop also needs a desktop.

they say,look before you leap;
but when i looked, it did not leap.

you read my mind
(banana bar-14th Nov)

-Tanaya Kaji in verse with me

one misted night

2008-11-07T18:20:00.003+05:30

Because it takes a brilliant sales person who's a natural comic to convince herself that strawberry is chocolate

- Tanaya Kaji on me

twisted twig-er

2008-10-21T02:05:00.003+05:30

how the fear of regret overwrites your instincts!

words no more

2008-10-15T03:30:00.005+05:30

i craved.
i hoped. i wished.
i even prayed.
then i cried.

the last one

2008-10-11T03:29:00.003+05:30

no matter how much
your eyes make me feel whole,
my eyes suffer to look into your soul;
from my eyes we know what i see,
from your eyes i know we'll never be !

low

2008-10-01T14:18:00.005+05:30

i did not want you to walk away from me
and you never understood why

i could not ask you to stay back
and i never would know why

come,
if you want to
coz i do

cleaned up mess

2008-09-24T03:00:00.006+05:30

e-mall shoot pics, back from
the year 2005
our salsa dance performance video
our pics sent by zook;
these were the memories i stumbled upon
while cleaning my CD rack
i am back again at the same
place; visited often
down the memory lane
ironic

the fear of that uncontrollable
nostalgia rush
which brings back everything
that i wanted to leave behind

am i not done
with those times yet?

zonked

2008-09-18T01:14:00.005+05:30

it was the prolonged
derangement of senses
intense; very
i get drawn towards
the most thought upon place
frequently visited; familiar
so called the ‘memory lane’
i marveled
at the speed with which
things move on;
beats you all way long, and how
i have a fatal memory of
those dreadful times
hapless and not so emotion-less
i was sinking, i knew
all way long
and i still would sink in
despite the cue
while i sail in
that memory lane
amused at that
incomplete rhythm
the lonesome bond
i feel unpredictably
relieved now

i stare at the sky, many-a-times
i marvel, again
‘this ain’t that bad after all!’
i smile, and i walk on
immune
to this world, to you all
it’s so much better now, this way
it was not a wrong choice then
it isn’t a wrong move still
it will never be the wrong way, again
ever

never mind

2008-09-15T02:04:00.009+05:30

so, i was carefully
watching at the shape of those tiles
aah, they are triangular
mix of red and brown, i thought
i was carefully
staring at the lines it made
wondering if anyone ever noticed them before
i hit the tree, and my glasses broke
i picked them, carefully
and continued walking, back home
i was zonked, still;
as i carefully pick these
callous words, trying to
be careful while write this
random shit !

so,
realisation number one,
mumbai club rules suck!
in fact they have none.
ask me for more details,
and i shall fill ya in with all.
realisation number two,
roast of hugh hefner, kicks ass!
watch it.
realisation number three,
manali is smooth.
if you love playing with those
twsited twigs,
you should try painting it
black, this time.
realisation number four,
'it' was on my mind all the time!
but you need not know this.
realisation, with negotiation
zenzi fellas, this time i place ya,
in the 1st category. sigh.

sleepless

2008-09-04T03:54:00.005+05:30

it's 4am

while we share this last cigarette

of the pack,

for this nite

this woman doesn't let me sleep

but since she cooks for both of us

i can't really complain. can i ?

btw, it was a holiday today

and i worked all day long

after last nite's escapade of

maan gaye mughal-e-azam

and the unsolved mystery

of that nasty text to random people

life is just as random as this post

phew..!

something

2008-08-26T00:01:00.000+05:30

is missing

unfolded

2008-08-15T03:27:00.003+05:30

i just got done with my packing,
after those arguments,
ones, not really uncalled for
sent some work related mails
watched mum sleep for a while
still fighting against this feeling
that i'll miss them to eternity
and here i am, sleepless
am gonna miss Mumbai
the people, the work,
my home.
for some reasons, unknown
while i still wonder
walk for? or
walk with?
i will cherish today's conversation
with you.

p.s. Rohit, thanks for the call and your wishes.
Surdy, i mailed ya to let ya know that am off for a holiday.
Rishi, thanks for a quick drop. It was good to see ya.
Arjun, sorry about that call again.
Meghna, thanks for remembering that am gonna be away for a week.
Sonia, it was great to have you home!
Anita, thanks for your sweet wishes.
Jobita, thanks for your contact in SL.
KD, thanks for the info and your contact in SL.
M, yes finally am done with all the chaos, but you must be asleep by now.
Maya Bhai, am gonna miss ya and remember to miss me thrice a week atleast:)
Fattu, dont forget to text me what i told ya. and dont frown.
hephail, have a blast in goa man!
Toi, you said you'd call ?
Alio, i can hear ya one more time, 'am so busy, really'
A, you'll be on my mind, somehow.
Sheen, i'll see ya in Colombo today!

impulsive thoughts

2008-08-02T19:21:00.006+05:30

He says with a sigh..
Your schedule is too bad
Been months since we even spoke
She complains, you have no time
To return that call
He states with a concern
You never answer the calls
How busy have ya been
Trust everything is okay?
The others say
That’s how Mumbai is!
We told you..
new friends huh?
no time for us?
dude wats up with ya man?
And the story goes on!!
‘I know!’
I say each of those times
Sometimes with genuine admittance
Other times with no regret
Most of the times
With disappointment

Really, that’s exactly
How Mumbai is!
That’s really how
My life has become here.

I miss ya guys all
I miss the genuine fun times we spent
I miss how each one of you would call
To know if I was okay?
I miss those plans where I would be dragged in
Unnecessarily, and asked to join in
You all knew, I would love it anyways
And would throw those intended tantrums
I loved the way you all called me
so called a drama queen
And love me for it anyways
I miss those surprise rides
And undeclared visits
The fights that used to end up in
Another emotional drama
Followed by those innumerable hugs!
I miss those hours and days we spent
Over sheesha, on a terrace, on that couch in the hall
On those smoke breaks down the building
On those luncheons and dinners and drinks
Movies and weekend trips,
Laughing off after those joints
Bitching about our work and complaining
Those coffee shops we would spend hours at
Doing zilch, the tradition

What am I doing here really?
I can’t find the connect, the warmth
I can’t find you here!

p.s. rishi, trq, arjun, prav, lisa, krsitina
ronaldo, eihab, bilal, sheen, rohit, papajee,
surdy, alio, bruce,chariot, wns,magda,
high spirits, Hermes, adrash, dimmie, rana,
tumbu, janish, raman, ammar,rémi, db,
alok, fp, odyssey,shruti, rabeeca, shaila,
luke, hugo, club 8, touch,sheesha..

Amidst everything and all
I miss ya guys the most!

you & me

2008-07-30T02:11:00.002+05:30

i decided
not to wait for you
anymore

i tried
i failed

there are no questions left
anymore

nut-shell

2008-07-28T03:25:00.003+05:30

'Avatar' & ' Twilight zone'
was amazing
Taken, Nim's island
Film noir
engaging.

'Fate'- intriguing
frowning bit- gimme a break!
pokerroom- hmm
wHasHed out- super
One of those 'Seven' - a sin
maggie & schezwan- Total truce!

the laughter. the visits.
Nice

random pre-fix-es

2008-07-23T02:26:00.002+05:30

why do people have so many reservations?
about everything? Even about themselves?
how would they prefer to present themselves
what need they speak
what group-ism order must they keep
how need they behave
follow a certain pattern..
pre-defined notions
pre-fixed criterion
pre-judge everything
and the list is endless. So on.
the ‘perception management’
is misunderstood and widely misused
and how
there’s a massive difference
between diplomacy and hypocrisy
are people matured enough to understand
and understand enough?
ironic
disappointing
a disease.

but who cares anyways?
it’s the evolvement
not in everyone’s reach, perhaps
they have right to choose
and it’s their choice, ultimately
indeed, a fatal one

there has always been a difference
between who you are and who you intend to be
what you possess and what you want
the extremes of want- what you need
it has seeped in so much
people have started carrying
a strong personality conflict
a complex they want to deal with
a constant fight
between Id, Ego, SuperEgo
it’s Sacrilege!
philosophically, however
an accepted one. usual.
you carry on with your world of dilemmas
in this array of illusions
the strategic defeated manipulations
arrogant proud diplomacy
marathon to follow everyon-ism

distant from this hoax,
I move on.
Get hooked or stay away.

haunted for real

2008-07-07T01:49:00.004+05:30

30 minutes
Is all what you are left with,
To breathe your last breath
Ever wondered who all
amongst those zillion
would you crave for
to say helloe?
Felt guilty for
That confession you never did.
Would you think why
You could never tell
How much you missed them?
thought if you could see them
Just for that last time..?
How sorry you are
for not able to make that call.
you promised.
Be vulnerable,
way you wanted to!
just for them?
Told that secret
They begged you to utter
Made that dinner
That is long due
Drove in that red alfa romeo
Just the way you dreamt of
Hid the journals, those pictures
ones you didn't want the world to see
It’s going to be
yet another non-existential world
Should they know
The real you? At least now?

All is fake. an illusion.
This world of unreal
Figment of our imagination
Misfit with its simplicity
Of humongous complications
that hazes your perceptions
And twists the real you
It scares me!
haunts me.

let me be. let me live
Way I would
In those last
thirty minutes.

rationally irrational

2008-07-05T04:25:00.003+05:30

what next?

2008-06-28T03:02:00.002+05:30

black, orange, green
yellow?
* smiles

closing time

2008-06-22T20:46:00.004+05:30

the same sinking feeling
after we kissed good night
as i lit my last cigarette of the day
I sit alone
place we sat together once
just few hours before.
thoughts sink in deeper
disproportioned mix,
of melody and melancholy

the door bell rings
I smile, knowing it’s you,
I smile again, while opening the door.
you stand there, and smile back
I wait for the moment
I wait to eternity
I wait for you to come in
I wait to kiss you
and I wait for your warm hug.
I hope, and I hope
for the time to stand still

your shoes next to the door
the socks on the floor.
i think, I think of you
I think of your touch
and I think of our conversation
we had before we kissed.
castled by the gloomy thoughts
my heart sinks, sinks again
I wonder if you are already asleep
I wonder if you are waiting for me
I wonder, I think. I wish.
to kiss you again, and always

I stub my cigarette
silently walk inside, beside you
I look at you and I hope
hoping this night could last longer
atleast this time, atleast for once
assuring myself, you would wake me up
to take back your tee
at that inevitable moment of hatred
when it's time for you to go

I watch you wear the shoes now
that rested next to the door, all night long
along with my soul at peace
being next to you
sign of the time when you had come
you kiss me bye and I open the door
this time to watch you go
you hold my hand and I watch
I watch you leave

the shoes are gone, and so are you
the night is gone, and so is my peace
what remains
along with the cigarettes stub
is this same
sinking feeling

hangover

2008-06-08T20:02:00.006+05:30

The keys on the bed
The mobile on the table
And the cigarettes we shared
The splash of water in the bathroom
After you took that shower
Your black tee that I wore
And your strategic win to take it back
Those unsaid smiles
And amused me
‘wat’s on your mind?”
the similar familiarity
answered with those smiles, again
The conversations we made
And the kisses I stole
The hands we held
and the eyes that talked
The music you loved
and the songs I played

The other side of bed,
Is empty,
The days are incomplete
Since you kissed and left
The cigarettes you stubbed
and the glass of lime water
you sipped on
the sound of your laughter
and the feel of your hands
the words you spoke
n the looks we exchanged
your smell that lingers
everything, and
this prolonged wait
remains.

But you.

water mishap

2008-06-03T22:04:00.004+05:30

8:50pm
(close your eyes n relax now
1,2...9,10)
8:55pm
crazy folds of wind
(the other side now
1,2..9,10)
9:00pm
familiar clattered sounds
(alright! see you guys tomorrow)
9:05pm
my 1st rain in mumbai.
9:07pm
excited n stuck at the door;i call him
9:15pm
a girl from class offered to drop me,
i agree, instantly
9:25pm
wet, messy, wet, chaos
i rearrange the stuff
(2 days at a row)
soaked in water, again
exasperated

Pretty-Ugly

2008-06-03T00:39:00.003+05:30

Weekends are generally the easiest to pamper yourself. It’s not surprising, how almost all the beauty salons are packed with people all day long. Not to forget, you are in long queues if you haven’t taken a prior appointment.

Since I had no appointment like zillion others, I joined the queue and decided to wait for a while. I generally walk off and prefer to carry forward my visits to the next time. It was flattering that their observation resulted in obliging me and I was called in much quicker. Finally I was taken inside the room- where they do the waxing and some facial clean ups etc etc. The radio was running in the background; one of my favorite songs on air..! The song made me felt sick though, I couldn’t enjoy it for some reasons. I sit there and wait for my hands to be soaked. A girl in mid 20’s in front of me begins the conversation with a very amiable smile, ‘you’ve got beautiful hands and such nice nails, you don’t even have to do anything’. Beauty Parlours makes me miss my fun times with Sheen and reminds me how we used to waste long hours at Sridevi and Odyssey just because we were given the most prestigious treatment there, always! More than often, Sheen's impulsiveness would overpower her and she would be stuck in these really time-taking hair or face treatment. We would sit for hours having conversations and laughing on everything erroneously.

I do not like visiting parlors and I do not like visiting doctors. I hate attending weddings and am always lazy to go anywhere. I do not appreciate wasting money on beauty treatments (since they only make you feel ugly at the end) and I do not have obsession with shopping. I do not have qualms to be what I am and I distrust wearing make up.

Anyhow, so, while I was there eventually, getting nostalgic, listening to my music; I managed to give a faint smile and responded ‘I know! It’s the 1st time in my life I am getting a manicure done’. She smiles back ‘My husband loves long nails but since the time my daughter is born, I really can’t keep them’. Boy! She did look like a college kid. Amidst all this, I happen to notice this middle aged woman sitting on the chair to my right. She looked much older than she actually was, I thought. She had this severe anguish look on her face. She looked alone. She was humming the same song. My favorite. Her subdued green colored kurta and its make indicated how attention deprived she was. And how harder she tried to look nice. Not merely to look nice, but to feel better. To feel wanted and to be appreciated. She stopped humming, looked up, gave a forced smile and walked out. For some reasons, my heart ached for her. I hope she finds happiness soon, wherever; and in whatever fashion she wishes to!

After 15 minutes approx, my nails were filed and Wendell Rodericks nail paint was coated on my filed nails. It looked alrite. I stepped out to pay. Right then, one of the girls got up and came to pay in hurry, not missing to keep eyeing at her on the mirror, very conscious if her hair looked alright after those strenuous hours of getting them ironed. ‘I have to attend this party at 7 organized by Americans! You know how particular they are about time. I could have got ready and then got my hair done!” She pays and walks off. I let her pay before me.

While I looked for Rekha to give her some tip, I hear someone else on the phone; ‘what the fugg, why can’t you come out for some time at least, today is Saturday’.
No, I didn’t even have to ‘overhear’, she was loud enough.

I paid and walked out.
(..even I am going, you have to come for some time..) .. the sound fades off.

..Rickshaw..Carter Road?

why again

2008-06-01T04:27:00.004+05:30

referring to 'why'
i re-admit.

...yes,
it reaaaaally sucks..!!

equation

2008-05-29T02:55:00.005+05:30

it's the monotony of this busy life
and a mere equation
of love n hate.

..she overcomes.

it's the price you pay for being there
and hive on equation less feelings
to win some n to lose rest.

..she knows.

it's simply the passion to be what you are
you earn some n not regret what you don't
the only equation that remains constant

..she believes.

it takes two to tango
n you alone to survive
the only equation.the rest is zilch.
..she trusts.

..she moves on.

Strings..

2008-05-27T21:47:00.008+05:30

Their new songs are stuck in my head.

Like really-really STUCK!!

why

2008-05-24T22:19:00.002+05:30

the want is so desperate
the desire is so strong
the thoughts are so irrational
the passion is so insane
the feelings are so deep
the mind is so possessed
the words are so meaningless
It sucks!

Inter-Connection

2008-05-24T03:29:00.008+05:30

It was a different league of people the other day.

Designers, photographers, Body Soup, Bartender from Wafi City, Salsa and Capoeira dancers. And some more designers.

Free flowing good conversations, while we all sat around the right most table at ‘Just Around the Corner’ and Zenzi. By the way, JTC (as they say) has amazing spread of salad. I wasn’t disappointed at all with the food and people around. It reminded me of Sweet Chariot Café in some ways though. Just the crowd, those familiar faces, crazy Koragaon Park was a total miss! Amidst all the conversations, different thoughts took a stoll and my mind raced to a complete different zone. It is amazing how all people in each city have either one or more similar connections. I could just feel nostalgia running, once again.

Delhi is all about chicas and those ‘pretty’ looking guys! Things don’t look ugly till the actual word exchange with the ‘janta’ takes place. The inexpensive food, flooded Sarojini Nagar, Janpath and Lajpat Nagar, the crowd- all of it is simply addictive. The fashion conscious crowd (‘Pseudo’- if I may have to explain) can just strip you right there if ‘they’ think you are not aptly dressed. If you are not jazzily dressed and overloaded with cosmetics at 9 in the morning to buy groceries mon ami; you are NOT appropriate. In seconds you just fall below their so-called high standards. Little do they realize that their own style and traits are just too similar..! Across.
Despite all, those were the best times I ever had. I still miss GK-1, S-335, 20 of us, Hot Breads, Big Chill, IIT and me riding bikes right there at the boys’ hostel, awesome Pulse, event management, Ghungurus (Dublin now), Turquoise Cottage (Where another history was created :)!!), 24*7.

Hyderabad is primarily IT dominant. Be it Firangi Paani or Bottles & Chimneys, you categorize them all as ‘Satyam’ crowd if not the ‘Infy’ one! There are discounts for you almost everywhere, be it a shopping place or an eatery. It’s not surprising how a woman can be loaded with attention if she is even an inch above an average looker! Clubs can actually let 20 of ‘this’ woman’s stag friends enter on a Saturday night, only because she looked a little better! It’s amazing how you would always get this crazy yummy food anywhere across the city. Just drool on. AISECers- Big thanks to you!! I had series of those unlimited unforgettable, forbidden wacko times :)
Closest to my heart and so far the best place i've lived, the precious moments i've always cherished, the worst heart break i ever survived!
Nevertheless, cheers to Hyderabad. To Life there, as it is!

Pune has different niche of people, Pilots and the ones who aspire to be one. Eventually you''ll find them heading to California for their CPL training. Once in a while then you bump into this set of people who associate themselves with Merchant Navy- the second dominant. Iranians however over-rules both these aforesaid segments of people. If you happen to go for one of those Bacardi Blast parties at Kapila, you might just question your whereabout. Pune or Iran? The remaining last segment of people, widely spread, comprises of everyone else who is a student. ‘Apparently’ studying Medicine or Engineering. All said n done, the best part and my favorite – Undoubtedly you can never ever run out of places/people to smoke up with. It’s a different connection altogether. Essential, genuine and strong. Selfless, unsaid, understood one. Six degrees of separation fits in perfect.
I miss Chariot times, Soul and it’s Strange Brew, G2, Dabelis, WNS chai, late nite rides. And Shogun.

Mumbai, if it’s not about Stock exchange or Ambani brothers, it’s so full of Bollywood. If people are not actors or aspiring ones, most of them are connected to this Media and Entertainment world distantly. It's a paradox. Overflowing with people, and yet you stand there; alone.

It’s ironic how most of the Mumbaikars (as they say again) never have stepped out of this city to live anywhere else. Thoug I don’t blame them but I have a different thesis here. For instance, in a second you can learn to appreciate ‘space’ once you end up living in other cities. You automatically realize life aint easy here afterall. In a minute more you learn how people really live their lives in real which do not include only travelling in local trains! In an hour more, you would be in awe of that weather which for a change is not humid. Despite all, in a day perhaps, you would crave to come back to this life, continue sulking about the same traffic jams, the space crunched city, the expenses, the distance, the heat, the hectic life and everything around. You still love it :)

And so my life goes on too.
Right here. N Right at this moment. Because;
Yeh hai Mumbai meri jaan!!!

P.S. I really did not mean to give an overdose of comparative analysis. Just my pool of thoughts. As witnessed. From an eye of an immigrant :)

Her

2008-05-17T04:51:00.002+05:30

Miss ya !

Incomplete

2008-05-16T02:07:00.003+05:30

I smiled all day long.
almost.

I don’t assume
Just that you assume that I do

two different worlds
two different times
two different feelings
too personified

Yet i choose to assume than to smile.
All day long.
Almost.

Nostalgia hush away
Let me smile all day long
One more time
And again

Asceticism

2008-05-15T02:15:00.006+05:30

About forty and more
Mix of both
Weaker ones are core
Their flexibility surprises me
Only because it’s beyond my reach
Just a matter of time
The familiarity would tell the tale.
Soon.

He is eminent, little did I know
His men are skilled and kind
The smiles indicate more
Though it wouldn’t change any
I am callous towards all
Overdose kills the amusement.
Always.

Inspiration was not mine
Effort is.
It's a revolution
That took years of determination
For so little. Yet so strapping
Everything hurts now, and the pain is intolerable
But I feel miraculous
It’s the moment of pride. I did it.
Again.

Illusion of reality

2008-05-13T04:04:00.004+05:30

The movies we never watched
The songs we never sang
The walks that never happened
The phone that never rang

The dinner that was never made
The pictures you never took
The time I could no longer stop
The promises you never kept

The travel we never did
The moments you never lived
The laughter you never understood
The diplomacy I never liked

It caused pause & tolerance
Shift
After all this time, I am done
All I lost, was afterall just you
It's the contradictory truth
To sail smooth, Or just another
An Illusion

Time lapse-Trail

2008-05-10T03:33:00.010+05:30

Time lapse. The last note was almost 3 months back! It never fails to surprise me how I always manage to lose the track of two things- time and people. Rolling stones launch-My 1st time in Hard Rock Cafe was an adrenalin rusher. SRK's launch in Taj Land was the 2nd! Kamshet & native village. Naco Paul.Pictionary.Bunker beds. Series of ordinary and amusing events. Goa fest, an Experience! Array of movies topped with 'boom shankar'.Anthrax & inexplicable funny 'English Topper'. Nitro -the source of those endless stories.The funnier part-they are all true and his real ones.My 3 Projects going live in 3 months. Enquiry sheet touching 80 last week. Realisation-Not a good hit rate though.How I met your mother- New episodes. South Park-Season 11 & 12. Black metal Alchemist-crazy concept. Two and half men-Smooth Charlie. Unlimited new places- Exlploration.Quiet landlady and quiet neighbours at work now. Done away with the filtering and testing waters. Smooth sail.That info-seeking call -finally a satisfied feeling.That one day stay. n it still stays.still.

Mumbai - 1st Cut

2008-02-18T17:10:00.020+05:30

Indifferent look. Neutral expressions everywhere and everyone you look at. Organized cars, auto rickshaws, taxis and yet more taxis and more cars. Loud horns. Fast pace of walking. No stares. Some more horns. Carter Road. Phenomenally small and over crowded Joggers park. Madhouse- BC webwise. Incredible Mandhwa. This 11am & 4pm Chai schedule. Unlimited smoking breaks. Mandy & Gaurang jiving in one of the rooms at work. Singing 80s’ songs. Coochoo cooing array of couples on Carter Road. The chai waalas on bicycles. Blabberring Sahil as my neighbour here. Irritating landlady peeping outside her window and calling me each time I step out in the morning. Bullets & Enfields. Bandra (W). Initially getting ripped everywhere. Survival.Interesting work. Creative people around. My messy home. My friends who I have known for quite sometime now before even I moved in here. Spicy version of Paani-Puris.